What do you do when the one person you love most in the world betrays your trust?
Trust has always been an issue in my relationship. From the very beginning my significant other told me tales, which I later found out were just that…stories. As the years passed my trust wavered. I trusted him with things such as my life, my money, my family, but I couldn't and still can't seem to trust him with my heart.
For the last 2 years I have been feeling like something was up. I would question him and let him know he could be honest with me, and I never got the answers I was looking for. "Are you interested in other women" or "Do other women turn you on" are some questions along the lines of what I would ask because he'd often act very weird when beautiful women were within eyes reach. I knew what I felt was "factual". I knew that the emotions fluttering around in my belly had some backing. I just didn't have the proof. Until yesterday…
Browsing on my Instagram's "popular pictures" page I came across 1 photo which was a collage of Nicki Minaj photos. She was sucking a banana, ass up in the air in a pink thong, basically a mural of her scenes from the Anaconda video (if you haven't seen it DONT BOTHER). Underneath it he wrote, "She's Fucking Hot!". Usually this wouldn't piss me off. But at the same time I never knew him as to be the type to say those things about ANY woman celebrity or otherwise. I mean I don't EVER get a compliment from him and I walk around half naked daily and my ass is twice the size of Nicki's. But who's comparing. So I went on a hunt to see if that was the only picture he's ever commented on. I also came to the realization that he doesn't bother "liking" the photo because he knows I will see it. So he comments on them because that Instagram doesn't tell you.
I ended up finding 5 other photos, some worse then the others. Most were of Nicki Minaj, but then I came across your average run of the mill girl. Under her photo he wrote "She's cute". Now this one pissed me off because she is a normal chick. The possibilities of her getting "gassed" by his compliment is a lot more likely then that of Nicki Minaj. He was complimenting a woman who wasn't me and didn't bother to question whether it would hurt me or not. I mean to me I saw it as it would be so simple for this girl to take his Instagram name, reply to him, and flirt if she chose to. It made me think that if he's doing this on the internet, what is he doing in person? (See SideNote) The next couple of pictures were of porn, a body builder chick and my woman crush Michelle Rodriguez. Under all these he wrote things along the lines of they are hot. The photo of porn (it was a woman holding a man up in the air, cradling him, while giving him oral) stunned me probably the most. Under it his friend wrote "I would never let her suck my dick again after that". He wrote " I would, she might drop you after you spray though talking about not in my mouth, and I'd be like what about your protein". WHAT?????
Who, that is in a long term relationship says some shit like this? I questioned him about it and he said that the was talking with me in mind. I didn't believe him of course. I took his comment as he was saying he would let this "whoever woman" give him head and swallow his….
SideNote:
I asked him if he compliments women in person as well. He admitted he has. He told me that he compliments girls hair at work or if they dress nice. Its ironic. He makes other women feel great about themselves then comes home and makes me feel bad about myself. I can't remember the last time he complimented me or said something sweet or even touched me flirtatiously. I don't fish for compliments. I just wish I was appreciated a little. Example: I got all dressed up a few months ago and went to my cousins graduation. I had my hair down in curls, cute little tan sandals and a leopard print low cut dress on. My ass looked great and my boobs were saying "bite me". He didn't say a thing. Not a single butt squeeze, flirty skin brush, "you look nice", NADA. I mean if I were him and were looking at me, I would have put my hand up my girls skirt and let her know who it belongs to. I mean seriously! I just want some attention, love, appreciation, flirtation from the person I do the most for. I want that young playful sexyness that we used to have in the beginning. But instead other people reap the benefits?
I found more pictures today. I'm not surprised. I knew they were out there. So today's photos were more annoying then "piss of material". We've had our trust issues in the past when it comes to one person from his job. In the past I have asked if there relationship goes beyond "pass me the plastic bags" required for doing their jobs because he would come home telling me her life stories without me ever having met her. So one photo was of my guy, 2 male friends and this one female with the photo titled as " Going out to lunch with my friends". Now, in the past I've asked him if he's ever gone out to lunch with her. I've asked him if they've sat down together over a meal. Each time he's said NO. That he only ever does lunch with his male friends. Now I see him in a picture with her and it all just throws me back to the beginning where I am at a loss for understanding. I then found a picture of Coco (Ice Tea's wife). I love CoCo. I think she's a very sexy woman. But its different watching your man drool over her privately, rather than in my company when I am accepting of it. So his friend posted this picture of her crouched down in a G-string and under the photo my guy puts "Con un ching de pan", which in english translates to "with a bit of bread". His friend wrote "All I want for my birthday is a big…" (rest of the song goes "big booty ho"). So basically my guy was saying he wants a big booty ho with a side of bread. Not sure what he meant by it whether it was meant as money (bread), physical bread or talking about he wants to eat her. I have no clue. The last photo I saw was of a woman on a train doing a split between the 2 seats. She was small waisted with a very big booty. Under this photo he wrote WOW. Again, what he meant only he knows.
After having seen all these comments and how crude my man can be it lead me to the realization that even after 11 years, I don't know the person sleeping in my bed. I question him and he tells me that none of that was sexual. That in his mind he doesn't have sexual intent when saying these women are "fucking hot" or puts "Shiiiit" under a photo of another women in doggy style position. Again, don't believe him. It just baffles me. It takes my mind to a place that I don't understand because I am not that kind of person. I have NEVER posted up on any social media my "infatuation" or attraction towards another man. I've never given another man compliments such as You're cute or You're fucking hot. NEVER! I have more respect for my relationship then that. I have more respect for my man. Maybe thats just me. Maybe someone will read this and say that I am overreacting to everything and to let it go. But I mean after 11 years when is enough, enough? I'm tired of playing senseless games. I just want the same respect that I give.
This whole thing just blows. I feel cheated on. I know so many women would say I took it too far, but if I told you all the stories I've lived through over the years, you'd sympathize. Ugh…..moving forwards and letting go.
A
Trust has always been an issue in my relationship. From the very beginning my significant other told me tales, which I later found out were just that…stories. As the years passed my trust wavered. I trusted him with things such as my life, my money, my family, but I couldn't and still can't seem to trust him with my heart.
For the last 2 years I have been feeling like something was up. I would question him and let him know he could be honest with me, and I never got the answers I was looking for. "Are you interested in other women" or "Do other women turn you on" are some questions along the lines of what I would ask because he'd often act very weird when beautiful women were within eyes reach. I knew what I felt was "factual". I knew that the emotions fluttering around in my belly had some backing. I just didn't have the proof. Until yesterday…
Browsing on my Instagram's "popular pictures" page I came across 1 photo which was a collage of Nicki Minaj photos. She was sucking a banana, ass up in the air in a pink thong, basically a mural of her scenes from the Anaconda video (if you haven't seen it DONT BOTHER). Underneath it he wrote, "She's Fucking Hot!". Usually this wouldn't piss me off. But at the same time I never knew him as to be the type to say those things about ANY woman celebrity or otherwise. I mean I don't EVER get a compliment from him and I walk around half naked daily and my ass is twice the size of Nicki's. But who's comparing. So I went on a hunt to see if that was the only picture he's ever commented on. I also came to the realization that he doesn't bother "liking" the photo because he knows I will see it. So he comments on them because that Instagram doesn't tell you.
I ended up finding 5 other photos, some worse then the others. Most were of Nicki Minaj, but then I came across your average run of the mill girl. Under her photo he wrote "She's cute". Now this one pissed me off because she is a normal chick. The possibilities of her getting "gassed" by his compliment is a lot more likely then that of Nicki Minaj. He was complimenting a woman who wasn't me and didn't bother to question whether it would hurt me or not. I mean to me I saw it as it would be so simple for this girl to take his Instagram name, reply to him, and flirt if she chose to. It made me think that if he's doing this on the internet, what is he doing in person? (See SideNote) The next couple of pictures were of porn, a body builder chick and my woman crush Michelle Rodriguez. Under all these he wrote things along the lines of they are hot. The photo of porn (it was a woman holding a man up in the air, cradling him, while giving him oral) stunned me probably the most. Under it his friend wrote "I would never let her suck my dick again after that". He wrote " I would, she might drop you after you spray though talking about not in my mouth, and I'd be like what about your protein". WHAT?????
Who, that is in a long term relationship says some shit like this? I questioned him about it and he said that the was talking with me in mind. I didn't believe him of course. I took his comment as he was saying he would let this "whoever woman" give him head and swallow his….
SideNote:
I asked him if he compliments women in person as well. He admitted he has. He told me that he compliments girls hair at work or if they dress nice. Its ironic. He makes other women feel great about themselves then comes home and makes me feel bad about myself. I can't remember the last time he complimented me or said something sweet or even touched me flirtatiously. I don't fish for compliments. I just wish I was appreciated a little. Example: I got all dressed up a few months ago and went to my cousins graduation. I had my hair down in curls, cute little tan sandals and a leopard print low cut dress on. My ass looked great and my boobs were saying "bite me". He didn't say a thing. Not a single butt squeeze, flirty skin brush, "you look nice", NADA. I mean if I were him and were looking at me, I would have put my hand up my girls skirt and let her know who it belongs to. I mean seriously! I just want some attention, love, appreciation, flirtation from the person I do the most for. I want that young playful sexyness that we used to have in the beginning. But instead other people reap the benefits?
I found more pictures today. I'm not surprised. I knew they were out there. So today's photos were more annoying then "piss of material". We've had our trust issues in the past when it comes to one person from his job. In the past I have asked if there relationship goes beyond "pass me the plastic bags" required for doing their jobs because he would come home telling me her life stories without me ever having met her. So one photo was of my guy, 2 male friends and this one female with the photo titled as " Going out to lunch with my friends". Now, in the past I've asked him if he's ever gone out to lunch with her. I've asked him if they've sat down together over a meal. Each time he's said NO. That he only ever does lunch with his male friends. Now I see him in a picture with her and it all just throws me back to the beginning where I am at a loss for understanding. I then found a picture of Coco (Ice Tea's wife). I love CoCo. I think she's a very sexy woman. But its different watching your man drool over her privately, rather than in my company when I am accepting of it. So his friend posted this picture of her crouched down in a G-string and under the photo my guy puts "Con un ching de pan", which in english translates to "with a bit of bread". His friend wrote "All I want for my birthday is a big…" (rest of the song goes "big booty ho"). So basically my guy was saying he wants a big booty ho with a side of bread. Not sure what he meant by it whether it was meant as money (bread), physical bread or talking about he wants to eat her. I have no clue. The last photo I saw was of a woman on a train doing a split between the 2 seats. She was small waisted with a very big booty. Under this photo he wrote WOW. Again, what he meant only he knows.
After having seen all these comments and how crude my man can be it lead me to the realization that even after 11 years, I don't know the person sleeping in my bed. I question him and he tells me that none of that was sexual. That in his mind he doesn't have sexual intent when saying these women are "fucking hot" or puts "Shiiiit" under a photo of another women in doggy style position. Again, don't believe him. It just baffles me. It takes my mind to a place that I don't understand because I am not that kind of person. I have NEVER posted up on any social media my "infatuation" or attraction towards another man. I've never given another man compliments such as You're cute or You're fucking hot. NEVER! I have more respect for my relationship then that. I have more respect for my man. Maybe thats just me. Maybe someone will read this and say that I am overreacting to everything and to let it go. But I mean after 11 years when is enough, enough? I'm tired of playing senseless games. I just want the same respect that I give.
This whole thing just blows. I feel cheated on. I know so many women would say I took it too far, but if I told you all the stories I've lived through over the years, you'd sympathize. Ugh…..moving forwards and letting go.
A